Working Up

by Dwayne Phillips

I solve problems. Sometimes that is my job, but often it comes away from the job. I say “no” more often than in the past. There are several reasons with a major one being that only when some people experience the pain of a problem do they stop creating problems for themselves.

I am a problem solver. Perhaps this is a gift, but sometimes it is a curse. As the years pass, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances learn that I solve problems. They tend to ask me to help them with their problems.

Some of these problem-solving seekers are people at my job. I am paid to solve problems there. As long as I want to continue being paid, I work with these people and solving their problems.

It seems that more often these days I am sought for problem solving by people outside my paying job. People ask me for a favor, “could you help me with this.” I tend to say, “no” more often the last couple of years. There are various reasons.

1. I learned how to say “no.” I was raised to be helpful and always say “yes.” There are good reasons for being available to assist and serve others. A problem, however, can arise with all this assisting. One day you find yourself addicted to rescuing others. This is known as co-dependent, and that can lead to all sorts of personal difficulties.

2. I am tired. This one is pretty simple. I don’t have the physical and emotional energy I had 20 years ago. I try to be a little more selective now as there is less of me to go around.

3. The other person could use some problem-solving practice. This reason surfaces more often. I won’t be around forever. What will these people do when I am gone? Some people might want to learn how to solve their own problems themselves.

4. The other person might learn to stop creating problems. This is the big one with me. The typical case is when someone comes to me with, “I promised so-and-so that I would do such-and-such, but I finally realized that I can’t do such-and-such. What should I do?”

Maybe its the cynic in me, but my first response is, “don’t promise something unless you can do it.”

“Yes, but,” are the first words in their reply. That ‘but’ word usually precedes something awful. “I have a big problem now and I need your help to get out of it.”

Sometimes I have a solution to their situation. Often I have nothing. Regardless, I tend to tell them, “no thanks.” Only by living through the consequences might they learn not to make commitments that are impossible for them to fulfill. The same is true for most self-created problems.