Working Up

by Dwayne Phillips

When you feel something tugging at you on the inside, you have hit a personal rule.

Recently, I had three gentlemen riding around with me in my van. We were visiting other office buildings in our area. Our first stop was for lunch at an bagel place. We had sandwiches and soup, and three of us had soft drinks in plastic bottles. We didn’t finish our 20-ounce drinks, so we took them with us on our visit to the other buildings. The gentlemen who sat in the front passenger seat of my van finished his Diet Coke and set his empty bottle on the floor.

I expected him to take the empty bottle into the first building we visited and dispose of it in a trash can. He didn’t. Well, of course he would dispose of it in another office building. He didn’t in the second and didn’t in the third. Well, I supposed, he was waiting to return to our main building before throwing away the empty bottle. He didn’t there either. He left his empty bottle on the floor of my van.

Something tugged at me on the inside. His empty bottle on the floor of my van pulled at my insides. I had found a rule.

Never leave your trash in someone else’s vehicle.

or

Always throw away your trash.

That was a simple thing. Why would anyone not know and follow that rule? He had violated my rule and I was off center.

I started to imagine that he was sending me a message. He was telling me that he was the boss and I had to tolerate what he did. He was telling me that he was displeased with my actions today and was punishing me. He was doing all sorts of things in my mind.

Let’s think about this rule and when violating it would be alright. Never leave your trash in someone else’s vehicle, unless:

(1) They tell me to leave it on the floor because they will clean their vehicle later.

(2) There is an emergency and I have to exit their vehicle quickly.

(3) Something more important happens that requires more attention than an empty Diet Coke bottle.

(4) Something important is on my mind, and I forget about the empty bottle.

Enough of that diversion and back to the point. We all seem to have rules. As much as I have matured over the years and grown out of rules learned in childhood I still have rules. I remember discussing rules and maturation a few months ago with a colleague. We had just attended a conference session on rules and transforming them. We talked about how some (other) people allowed rules to rule their lives. Surely, neither of us did that anymore in our lives. I know I had moved past them. Well, as the crazy thoughts in my head the afternoon in the van showed, I had not.

The day in the van with the riders was a good day as I learned (or relearned) something. Rules are with me regardless of my denial. I can live with them and even benefit from them. Since I like to make rules about rules or procedures about rules, here is a procedure.

Notice when something tugs at me. Like today, I was driving my van and I don’t remember anything about the traffic or anything else. All my thoughts were on that empty bottle on the floor.

That tug could be many things, but ask myself, “Is it a rule?” The tug could be indigestion as maybe the turkey chili I ate for lunch wasn’t cooked well enough. The tug could be a lack of sleep. Then again, the tug could be a rule.

If it is a rule, ask, “What is the rule?” This requires some analysis, and I like to do analysis. For some people, the analysis part brings more of a bothersome tug than any rule. Persevere as the answer may lead to something beneficial.

Now move on to, “When is violating the rule alright?” As my “clean vehicle” rule above showed, there are many cases when violating the rule is fine. Thinking about these exceptions to the rule may explain what happened. The exceptions may also lead me to a better understanding of myself.

Even more, “Does this rule matter much to me?” Some rules are terribly important. I emphasize the word “terribly” as some rules can provide terrible, excruciating pain when they tug at me. The day in the van was a simple little rule, but oh how that tug hurt for an hour or so.