Working Up

by Dwayne Phillips

An incident in the cafeteria illustrates blaming and placating – incongruent stances created by a misconception of the self and the other.

First, a story:

A lady – a customer –  is walking through the cafeteria at work. She falls to the floor.

A second lady – the cafeteria manager – runs up to the fallen customer, looks down at her, and screams, “There is nothing wrong with the floor. You tripped on your pants.”

The customer lying on the floor in the middle of the cafeteria jumps to her feet as fast as she can and scurries out of the cafeteria.

The cafeteria manager is blaming. She is acting from the notion of I am everything, you are nothing.

The customer is placating. She is acting from the notion of I am nothing, you are everything.

These are opposite reactions, but they stem from the same emotion: fear.

The cafeteria manager is afraid that the customer fell because the floor was slippery. A slippery floor cannot exist in the cafeteria. The cafeteria manager will lose her job if the floor caused the accident.

The customer is afraid that everyone will think she is clumsy – too clumsy to walk and chew gum at the same time. Clumsy people are stupid, and stupid people lose their jobs.

Neither lady loses her job.

It is unfortunate, but I have seen the same interaction thousands of times in meetings at work. Persons fear something terrible and act from that fear by either blaming or placating. In almost every situation, there was nothing to fear – at least nothing nearly as fearful as the cafeteria incident.