Working Up

by Dwayne Phillips

Sometimes, I want to talk with another person about something. Is that what I really want?

I have heard a concern expressed in many ways, including:

• We haven’t talked about this
• We need to talk about this sometime
• I want to talk about this
• I want to tell you something

These are different ways to say the same thing. None, however, state what we want to state. That is, “You haven’t acknowledged my concerns.”

You nodded your head, patronized me, and walked away unchanged
The “changed” part is crucial. You haven’t acted like you changed (the way I wanted you to change).

Perhaps, the other person (or me when I am the other person) should say, “This is what I heard you say.” (Repeat as best as I can.) I think you are feeling this and that. Those are major concerns. What would you like me to do?” (This is not a promise to do what the other person wants, but a promise to hear what the other person wants.)

End with, “I am happy that we could talk about this.”