Working Up

by Dwayne Phillips

In addition to hearing the message, pay attention to the meta-message.

A few years ago, I wrote here about stop listening—cautiously—and start teaching. This current post regards stop listening to the individual words; pay attention to the meta-message or the message about the message.

Someone comes to me with anger. They don’t like fill-in-the-blank. I can concentrate on fill-in-the-blank, or I can pay attention to something more important.

Anger. Where on the scale of “little energy” to “much energy” does anger fall? I would put it closer to much energy.

Much energy. Where on the scale of “not important” to “much important” does much energy fall? I would put it closer to much important.

Much important. Okay. Here we are. A person has come to me and told me what is much important to them. What is it? What is behind or underneath or surrounding their fill-in-the-blank?

Am I recoiling at their anger, i.e., listening to their words? Am I finding what is important to them, i.e., paying attention to the meta message?

There are times when I listen to their words. There are times when I also pay attention to the meta message. This isn’t easy, and no one ever said it would be.